Be a better communicator by learning from mistakes

Become a better communicator by learning from when things go wrong. Communicating effectively is not easy, otherwise everybody would be a great communicator - and we know from experience that this is not the case.

But, you will also not become an effective communicator overnight. It takes practice, trial and error and learning from mistakes. Mistakes WILL happen.

You will miss the mark with an email, unintentionally upset somebody due to a poor choice of words, or write a social media post that alienates people. You will do a presentation that sucked, or write a book nobody reads (I have a masters degree in this).

You will wished you listened more, or stood up for yourself, or expressed your idea more succinctly. Every single day there will be some aspect of your communication approach that could be improved.

Mistakes are an opportunity to make ourselves a better communicator.

What follows are six powerful ways to become a better communicator. Some are about planning and some are about learning when things go wrong. Which they will.

Read on, or watch the video, or both!

6 ways to become a better communicator

Prepare in advance

One of the best ways to avoid mistakes in communication is to prepare in advance.

Spend time thinking about three foundational aspects of communication:

1. What is your purpose?
2. Who are you communicating with?
3. In what context will this communication take place?

By clarifying each of these three main principles, you stand a much better chance of being effective when communicating.

For example, let's say you're doing a conference talk. Your purpose is to share your insights and observations about a way of working you're a fan of. The audience at the conference are people who work in your industry. The context is that you will be presenting from the stage, to people of varying backgrounds and many of the attendees do not natively speak your mother-tongue.

If we take time to understand all of these elements and think through how to communicate, we will likely end up with an approach and presentation that succeeds in achieving your purpose, with that audience, in that context.

Think about how to frame your topic, the words you will use, the way you will deliver the words and what the audience expects.

This is true whether you're about to do an interview, have a meeting, write an email or do a presentation.

Also consider your own psychology too. Do you need time to psych yourself up?Or get into a better mood? Or quiet your mind?

Our own psychology deeply affects how effective we will be when communicating.

Prep and practice. Practice is permanent.

Learn to control emotions

Often, the interactions I regret the most, are the ones where I have let my emotions take over.

Someone says something that pushes a button, or I feel so strongly about a subject that I cannot control my emotions.

But it’s important not to react with your emotions - and instead respond effectively.

Responsibility is the ability to respond – and we all have this. We could respond in a way that is professional, kind and courteous, rather than what our emotions are telling us to do.

It’s easier to say than do and it’s something I am continually working on.

Learn to communicate

It goes without saying learning to be a better communicator will help you have fewer regrettable interactions and mistakes.

Listening, presenting, understanding your audience, making clear notes, writing well and controlling non-verbal communication will all help you to be a better communicator.

I cover all of this and more in my online Communication Superpower Workshop.

Enrol now

Listen more than you talk

Many of my most regrettable interactions have been when I talked more than I listened. I waffled, or spoke over other people, or held the conversation for so long that others became annoyed.

Listening is the greatest compliment you can give someone. It’s also the best way to learn.

When we’re listening, we’re not talking, confusing people with our words or dominating the conversation.

Listen more than you talk.

An easy way to do this is to put a dot in your notebook every time you listen - and a dash every time you talk. You will become more conscious of the ratio of listening to speaking, giving you a chance to adapt and learn.

To be honest though, we know when we’ve talked more than we’ve listened – and we often regret that interaction and dwell on it. Learning to listen is important.

Note down how to improve

Sometimes we won’t have time to prepare, or we simply haven’t done the prep in the first place. So, we may come back from an interaction full of regrets about how we conducted ourselves, or how we let people walk all over us, or how we didn’t listen more.

It’s therefore important to start focusing our learning by writing down reflections on the interaction.

• What could we do differently next time?
• What areas are there to improve on?
• Why didn’t it go so well?
• What did I do, or not do?
• What can I promise myself I will do differently next time?

Then crack on learning how to be more effective at communicating.

Do you have a time machine?

The chances are you don’t have a time machine – so you cannot go back in time and do something differently. The interaction has happened. That cannot be changed. It is in past.

If the outcome was very dire then you may need to clean up after yourself; fix those relationships, say "sorry" for poor behaviours and deal with any fall out. Being humble and accepting your poor behaviours is one step closer to improving them.

You cannot control the past, all you can do is work hard to ensure you are learning and behaving in positive ways in the now. 

The now is all we ever have. We cannot change the past but we can influence the future.