Presence and dealing with conflict

A few years ago, the team I was consulting with had a reputation problem. Let's not beat about the bush, they were failing to deliver their service in a high profile program of work. It was having a serious effect on them, their leaders and their internal clients.

Think of them as an internal consultancy service; a service that was not hitting the mark. Their internal clients were angry, disappointed and frustrated. It had all come to a head at one point, not long after I'd joined the team to lead them.

There was a rather difficult meeting planned between three of the team (including me) and a major stakeholder / client. The client was unhappy to say the least and this was expected to be a meeting where the riot act was read and harsh words were exchanged. Yes, it was that kind of company.

However, the outcome was very different indeed.

I'm going to deconstruct what I (we) did in the meeting to defuse the situation and focus on moving forward, and how I changed the environment to ensure a more amicable outcome.

After the meeting my boss (who was one of the three in the meeting) asked for a debrief on why I did what I did, and how he could learn how to do the same. My peer asked for the same insights. And so too did the client; after all, she was set on giving us an ear full and on reflection had pondered why it went a very different way!

Now, it's not my winning charm, that is for sure.

Instead, it was a series of considered "moves" that anyone can learn. I cover many of these in the Effective Communication Super Power course. There are many nuances to this tall tale (which by the way is very true) and no doubt factors I've never considered, but I lay it all out here to bring home the important of effective communication in the workplace.

And please note: I always give the same caveat - please use communication behaviours for good, not for evil.

The Environment

The meeting was scheduled for 11 am, in a tiny pokey room with full length glass running across the walkway. It had a ridiculously large table in the room, meaning there was only room for about 4 small stools - a classic case of style over substance.

Here's a high-art drawing of the room.

10:15

I walk past the room to scope out the location. Seems reasonable enough for a contentious meeting. A bit small, a bit open. That desk is too big.

It is what it is though. Make the most of it.

10:20

I speak with my manager and colleague to reconfirm details of the "failures" and the conversations that have been had so far. This about alignment. The one thing we all need to do in the room, is be consistent in our understanding and communication.

We need the facts, data and insights.

Nothing makes people look even more incompetent than everyone having a different stance on the service being offered, or the understanding of the mistakes.

10:25

I know the client in question has been through a DISC session, so I find out what she is. A high D - a determined, action orientated preference for work and communication.

I note down some potential outcomes and actions.

I also note her office location to anticipate which direction she will be approaching the room. (Of course, I may be wrong, she may have been in a meeting elsewhere).

10:50

Breath deeply, focus, rehearse my introduction. I also rehearse how to deal with potential arguments and conflicts. One of my 11 principles for effective communication is practice. We cover these in the Super Power workshop.

I also go over the main facts.

10:55

We head to the room. I quickly snaffle seat number 1 (shown in the diagram) nearest the glass window but at the back of the room. My colleagues grab seats 3 and 4 on the opposite side of the desk. I didn't plan this but that's a good thing.

This left seat number 2 free, which is next to me and the easiest chair for our client to sit in. If my colleagues had not taken the seats they did - I would have asked them to move to free this up.

We tend to build alliances with people next to us - and I wanted to be aligned with our client. We tend to form disagreements with people opposite us.

Our client would be sitting in seat 2 (or maybe she would choose to stay stood up - a power move for sure). (Edwards, 2020)

11:00

My colleagues are deep in conversation but I am keeping an eye out for our client.

I see her approaching and stand up to smile at her as she approaches. I have my arms by my side, a tall stance, a big smile and I make eye contact. All the hallmarks of a confident yet approachable person, even though I'm dying inside.

We get around 1/10th of a second to make a good first impression. (Willis and Todorov, 2006). This first impression is made before you’ve said anything, so best to lead with an impression of confidence (Harker and Keltner, 2001).

A smile also boosts our own feel good hormones as well as making you seem more competent. (“The 9 Superpowers of Your Smile | Psychology Today,” n.d.)

She smiles back and enters the room.

My colleagues are still sat down chatting at this point, so stand, looking flustered, when she enters. By this time I'd already shaken her hand and introduced myself. 

She says hello to the others and sits down on seat 2. 

11:05

She is facing me whilst talking, as we tend to talk to the most powerful / influential person in the room. I was not this person on paper - my boss was, but I'd created a confident first impression that stood out. This was the first time she had met me also, but had previously met my boss - who, it turned out, she didn't like much.

As she explained the situation I did nothing but listen. Listening is the greatest compliment you can give someone. 

I nod to give feedback that I am listening. I take on board what she is saying and ensure I am truly digesting it. I have an agenda I’d like to cover also, but that should not be at the expense of others. 

11:10

She pauses and looks at me for a response. I maintain eye contact and start by apologising for our poor service. Owning your mistakes is a sign of vulnerability, and vulnerability can often calm a situation and build rapport.

I play back the effect it’s had on her team, using my own words. Repeating back what somebody else has said, in your own words, shows you have listened. 

I know she is task orientated (DISC), so after apologising once more, I explain what we are going to do to fix our poor service, and make things right for her.

I don’t defend or shoot down her observations and feelings. I am not defensive. I acknowledge them as valid, which they are. I explain what we are going to do next to address our shortcomings using action oriented language. 

I don’t lie here to avoid conflict or escape the room, even though I'm still dying inside. Instead, I break each issue apart succinctly and explain how we will address each one.

I acknowledge how disappointed she must be but I also don’t blame anyone in our team. We should never pass the burden if we're in a leadership role. If it happened on your watch, no matter how new to a role, it's your responsibility to fix it.

I calmly explain what we plan to do, and I pass the ball back to her by asking her whether she is willing to stick with us as we remedy our mistakes. No need to keep waffling, or owning the whole conversation. Communication is a two way activity, so share it!

Note: As I am speaking, I am looking for non-verbal clues. I am looking for clues that she is listening, or getting bored, or unhappy in any way. This is hard to do without a solid baseline, but I keep my eye out.

Mistakes are a way to make the business, and ourselves better, and we want to be given the chance to do this. I ask her directly for this chance to redeem ourselves. No fluffy language here, a clear ask.

All the time I am maintaining a high level of eye contact. Not creepy, laser eyes eye contact, just a high level to show I am focused on her.

11:15

I can see she is receptive as she nods and has her hand on her chin. This is a typical non-verbal tell that may indicate she is listening to me. As with all non-verbal tells, they are not absolutes, she may just be resting her head. 

I support this observation though, with the fact she is smiling and is far more relaxed than when she entered the room. 

I simply listen now as she explains how she would like our support still but really does need better. I tell her that I can be her main point of contact as we re-engage and any issues she has can be raised with me immediately.

During all of this I have my body orientated towards her to show I am focused only on her, what she is saying and that she has my undivided attention. Always sitting upright with my palms open to her and receptive to what she is saying. 

Active listening really is the greatest compliment you could give someone.

11:20

We’re done now, ten minutes ahead of schedule and with warm thanks from our client. As she leaves, I stand up and shake her hand and say goodbye. No need to apologise again and no need to cover any other topic. 

One way people often lose credibility is apologising too much and by repeating the same things over again. 

Outcomes

I share this story during my in-person communication workshops, to demonstrate how effective communication is nothing more than a series of behaviours that anyone can learn. 

A few years prior to this moment I couldn’t present to a room, or deal with conflict, or express myself with confidence. I’d done a communication degree but couldn’t implement what I knew. 

I realised eventually that it’s all behaviours - I just needed to understand the behaviours that work, and learn how to demonstrate them until they became natural. 

The words we use, our body language and the way we gravitate to other people’s preferences for communication (DISC), all matter. The combination of all of these things, plus a couple of environment hacks, can really change the outcome of a meeting or negotiation. 

With plenty of practice it will become natural to find the most appropriate seat, adapt your style (but not lose yourself) and choose your words carefully.

If you'd like to develop your super power in the world of work, then please consider sitting the online Super Power Workshop.

Bibliography

Edwards, V.V., 2020. How to Pick the Right Seat in a Meeting EVERY Time [WWW Document]. Science of People. URL https://www.scienceofpeople.com/seating-arrangement/ (accessed 7.23.24).

Harker, L., Keltner, D., 2001. Expressions of positive emotion in women’s college yearbook pictures and their relationship to personality and life outcomes across adulthood. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 80, 112–124. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.80.1.112

The 9 Superpowers of Your Smile | Psychology Today [WWW Document], n.d. URL https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/changepower/201605/the-9-superpowers-your-smile (accessed 7.23.24).

Wargo, E., 2006. How Many Seconds to a First Impression? APS Observer 19.

Willis, J., Todorov, A., 2006. First impressions: making up your mind after a 100-ms exposure to a face. Psychol Sci 17, 592–598. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-9280.2006.01750.x