Loudness doesn't equal competence or confidence

Conferences are a wonderful side project for me. I love speaking at them and sharing my ideas, but I also enjoy the social events, where you get to "confer" with others, make new friends and shoot the breeze with like minded others.

On a balmy summer's evening one year, by a wonderful lake where the beer and wine was flowing, and good food was being served, I was residing on a table of around 25 conference attendees and speakers.

Surrounding us were locals enjoying an evening out, some business people chatting about an upcoming merger and plenty of younger folk gearing up for a night out.

One of the conferences speakers likes to "own" the room. I'd met him before and knew he dominated conversations. He was loud, boisterous and vocal. I'd already got my exit strategy for the evening.

The volume of his first monologue clearly took an elderly gentleman on the table behind us by surprise. He jumped in the air, spilling his glass of red wine and ruining what looked like a very nice suit. With each booming grand gesture of self promotional rapture from the speaker, the elderly man jumped, twitched and recoiled. After only a few minutes the gentleman looked broken, shattered and nervous. He promptly left. He's possible still in therapy now.

The monologue continued with great tales of achievement, conquest and supreme intellectual prowess, never once stopping to hear from anyone else, or take time to appreciate that other people may have quieter stories of success. A conference is usual packed with people who've got interesting stories to tell. Not on this night. It was a one man show.

Loudness doesn't equal competency.

The business men didn't last much longer. As more bellowing tales of power, escapades, self congratulations and intellectual superiority came forth, they too looked nervous and overwhelmed. One of the businessmen was covering his ears, the rest were staring in bewilderment. The shouting and loudness continued. The businessmen took leave for a quieter part of the bar, their non-verbal body language suggested they were less than impressed.

Loudness doesn't equal confidence.

Many on our table enjoy this sort of thing; listening to an esteemed member of the community talk about themselves, loudly. It happens at almost every conference. Students in awe of the master.

I made my excuses and moved to the bar area. The bar was heaving yet there were plenty of tables free near the conference group. Groups of people would approach the spare tables, only to quickly make an exit. Some brave souls plonked themselves down on adjacent tables, only to move on soon afterwards. It was like an outdoor theatre play, only without a willing audience.

As the drink flowed, the loudness grew. The comments became more inappropriate, the stories more base. More people from the conference table made excuses and left. To get a word in sideways, others merely shouted to drown out the monologue. It looked and sounded like some sort of bar fight, only more civilised as they remained seated and didn't throw bottles at each other.

That soon changed as people felt the need to stand up and shout, simply to be heard. The speaker stood up too. It was a thing to see for sure. Grown adults stood shouting at each other just to be heard. Just to be listened to. Just to share their story.

Loudness doesn't equal likability, or interest, or intrigue.

Everyone in the bar could hear the stories, even though they likely didn't want to. Everyone knew how amazing this person was. Everyone wanted that table of people to leave.

Loudness is just that - loud. It's not a sign of confidence, competency, creativity or anything else. It's loud.

Confidence is an internal thing. It's knowing you are capable, worthy, loved and assured. It's hard to build true inner confidence, I'm still working on it myself. Don't believe that confidence has to be loud though, or that you must dominate a conversation.

Don't believe you even have to say anything at all to be confident. It's an inner thing.

One of the most confident people I know is ex-military, quiet, assured, a natural leader. He doesn't dominate, he listens more than he speaks, he thinks through his words, he uses humour when needed and he exudes an extreme level of confidence and competency.

He doesn't shout to exude confidence - it comes through in all that he does. This is not to say that the loud man is not confident - he may possibly be but all everyone hears is noise. You don't need to shout to exude confidence, it comes from within.

He doesn't need to showboat, talk about himself endlessly, dominate others, have an audience. He runs a company, let's his work speak for itself, has epic empathy, holds a high bar, role models, and leads with humility, precision, clarity and kindness. And yes, he is well trained in the arts of fighting, but I've never seen him need to use that.

My friend doesn't need everyone around a table to know who he is, to listen to his stories (and he does have some remarkable stories to tell), engage with people as though they are his audience or own a room. He doesn't need these things and he is not loud, but when he speaks people listen. His confidence manifested through listening, calmness and clarity.

He is just quietly getting on with his life, listening to others and doing his best work. Loudness does not equal confidence and competence. In fact, it may very well be a mask for a lack of both.

I always say that I can help you become more confident and assertive by using the techniques taught in the communication super power workshop - and that is true - but at no point will I ever teach you to be loud, dominating and boisterous. In fact, it's usually the opposite.

If you want people to remember you for all of the right reasons try listening instead - it's the greatest compliment. We remember those who truly listen to us, ask us insightful and thoughtful questions - and give everyone space to contribute if they want to.

Loudness is a tool we can use to accentuate a point, or grab the attention of an audience who are wavering, but it's not a long term technique for leading with confidence.

As the loudness of the speaker continued and the wine kept flowing, the people in the bar moved further away. Many of the conference attendees had left the table now leaving just a couple of fans. Even they looked shell shocked by the never ending barrage of self congratulatory noise.

Around one hour into the monologue the alcohol hit hard. Without a word of warning, he stopped mid sentence and staggered away through the bar. As he left the bar everyone cheered and clapped. He turned and waved mistaking this applause as recognition for his wonderfully loud stories. It was in fact in celebration that the loudness had ended - and people could enjoy their own space and commune.

A few of us then had a relaxing, quiet meal where we shared stories, listened, talked about life, chatted about ideas that were bigger than us, and made time to engage in a conversation.

I'm always reminded of this story when I feel I have been talking too much, or dominated the conversation for too long, or I've been too loud. A conversations isn't about us, it's about everyone involved. And truly confident people don't need to shout about how competent and confident they are - they show it through their work and how they make others feel. Loudness is not a sign of confidence and competency. It may be a natural style for some people but you don't need to be loud to show confidence and competency.

True confidence is an inner strength and the most confident people I know have no need at all to shout about it, dominate a conversation and make other people their audience. They are happy and content with being who they are - their confidence shines through in all they do. There really is no need to shout at others.