Vending Machines, active listening and listening with your heart and brain

You could tell all the execs had been on some training recently. Active listening training to be precise. They were all acting differently, and not entirely in a positive way. In fact, it was a little weird - and off-putting.

As I sat quietly one spring morning at a desk overlooking the river, responding to the barrage of overnight emails, I studied one of the execs as he emerged from his corner office.

As per usual you could feel the energy in the office tense up. He normally exhibited all the emotions and motions of a vending machine. If you knew what you wanted you learned which buttons to press. Canned inputs for canned responses. An emotionless interaction with limited options - and typically not the options you needed.

But we'd learned how to work with him. Push this, get that. Cold hearted efficient interactions.

Only today was different - the training was in effect.

He moved slightly less robotically across the office floor with a fake grin that was both terrifying and amusing at the same time. He scanned the room looking for people to speak to. He asked questions and nodded when people mumbled their terrified responses.

His smile never changed; you could see it was tiring him out. He gave head nods and other non-verbal clues that he was listening. As his grin became more tiring it morphed into a grimace clearly showing how painful this was for him.

His responses were, although still machine like, a variation from his usual canned responses. They were more varied and dynamic, and this just made everyone even more uncomfortable.

He had clearly been taught to turn and face people which he did with a stilted machine-like movement. All of his joints moved in unison giving the impression he was being wheeled around on an invisible trolley.

After his allotted 5 minutes of daily interaction (more tactical advice from the training) he declared "time up". Given he'd been told to never turn his back on people, he reversed slowly back into his office, with a wicked grin on his face as he closed the door. It was like an Alfred Hitchcock horror movie.

When the door closed the stress left the air - then the chat channels lit up. What was going on? Was he ok? Questions, hypothesis and jokes flooded the chat.

It was nothing more than a leader implementing tactical active listening advice, much of which I also share in the communication workshop, but it was missing a key point I teach; you listen with your heart and your brain, not just your ears. Listening is the greatest compliment and no robotic tactics will ever get to the emotions that must sit below this.

To actively listen means you must care.

It means you process what is being said and digest it. You comprehend what is said and you accommodate it in your mind. And you process it with your heart - connecting emotionally to other people.

To listen actively means you truly connect with the other person. You can put yourself in their shoes, you can repeat back what they said, in your own language, to their satisfaction. Active listening means you have digested what is said and can respond accordingly. It shows you care, which is why listening is the greatest compliment you could give someone.

Pauline Oliveros said:

"Expand your attention to include everything that you can possible hear, without judgement. The ear hears. The brain listens."

I would add to it: the heart then processes what you listen to.

Alas, the short-lived tactics didn't last for Mr Vending Machine. Vending machines are hard to reprogram and can only ever offer a select few options. He returned to his normal "push and respond" interactions, and frankly we were pleased with that.

He didn't need to actively listen; we knew where we stood with him. Outside of work he was a caring husband and father and did plenty for his community. In work, he donned the vending machine persona as that's all he knew - and we loved him for that. We learned how to work with him, and he was a good boss......mostly. Of course, he never offered the greatest compliment we all wanted: to be listened to.

Not everyone wants to learn how to listen, but if you do - remember that listening is truly done with your brain and heart, not just your ears.

Short term “I’m really listening” tactics can work but eventually people will realise you're not truly listening, and trust me, your mask will come off.

Active listening is more than simply hearing and it's the greatest compliment you could give someone. To actively listen means using your brain and your heart to process what is heard.

Now, where did the vending machine go? I need approval for more head-count, that's option B2, followed by C3.